Crying over tea

 Yeah.  So a cup of tea made me cry last night.

Being the person who takes care of everyone else is a certain type of exhausting.  I’m very not great at taking care of myself. I celebrated a birthday recently…and was feeling very woe is me about how that went down…while simultaneously trying to feel grateful for a getaway to Florida.  To add to “background information” I’m the planner in my family and also the one who thinks birthdays are a big deal. I’m also a middle child…do you see where this is going?

So my birthday, where I am grateful was spent in a sunny local with sand and not snow, and I get to choose what we do for the day. We play arcade games, walk on the beach, have fun a drinky drink, eat at Arroz con Leche (mmm Cuban food),  go to Holistic House (which is a fabulous little shop in Holly Hills with some amazing practitioners), stop and get some mini cheesecakes, and go back and just chill for the rest of the day.  

Fast forward to returning home a few days later, where I’m in post vacation sad paired with lessons learned while away sinking in, and I’m feeling the sads  because no one did anything for my birthday.  I got a happy birthday text from my mom and some Facebook bday messages, my mother and father in law both sent cards with $ for my trip….but I’m just feeling very unimportant. Very much in the land of no one cares enough to plan something for my birthday.  

So I go to my b!+(3$ house to visit because they are a part of my soul family. I arrive and am asked if I would like tea, then what flavor and before I can answer, the flavor I would have selected was selected for me. My tea is prepared with honey and placed in my hands in a “friends are sisters we pick” type of mug and I can’t hold the tears in.  My friends took care of me without me asking, without me putting in any input, and they cared for me and I lost it.  Then I was hustled to the couch and wrapped in a blanket.

Soo…all of this to encourage you to take care of the person who seems like they can handle everything, that have the big hearts, that care for others.  It doesn’t have to be a grand or expensive gesture…a simple cup of tea can make a person feel like they matter.

10 Year Progress

 I’ve been thinking about that whole 10 year challenge that you see going around social media…while noticing so many women dogging on how much their appearance has changed in that time…So I’m switching it up.

Here’s to the past 10 years of growth:

I‘Ve gone from a salaried employee of the state to a stay at home mom to a self-employed mom to a self-employed service industry business owner mom. 

I’ve suffered the loss of my dad, uncles, and a grandma.

I’ve been involved in the purchase of 2 houses (this was a joint effort with the partner).

I’ve sold a house.

I moved to a different part of the state.

I’ve had a whole other kid…and am the parent of a legal adult.

I’ve struggled and survived through stress, anxiety, depression.

I’ve see resiliency in my physical body.

The sheer quantity that I have learned about myself in 10 years is HUGE.

I’ve shifted from religious to spiritual.

I’ve learned hard truths…both about myself and the world around me.

I’ve met members of my soul family.

I’ve been the ear and shoulder for others.

I’ve leaned on others.

I’ve fallen to my knees under the weight of grief.

I learned to stand in the ocean of grief…and rather than fight it, I learned how to flow with it.

I’ve made a soul journey to Ireland…alone...with no real plan but to experience what I needed to.

I‘m swimming towards the deep end of energy work…of accepting the talents bestowed upon me for this go around of my soul.

I got married…for the 3rd time…to the person I married the 1st time.

That same relationship has shifted and grown, ebbed and flowed…and has taught me so much about how a relationship survives is through growth…together, learning through the rough patches, savoring the sweet times.

Honestly….10 years is a long time filled with so many moments…some will leave lasting marks (good and bad) and so many other moments will fade away. 

The biggest change in 10 years? I’m learning and focusing on loving myself….as my SELF.

The Problem with “Natural Talent”

 Growing up, school always came easy to me. I didn’t have to try very hard to succeed. This “natural talent” is a double edged sword as an adult.  As I progressed through school, this talent helped build the foundation of being able to succeed in something if I wanted to but it also came with a price. Knowing I could succeed if I wanted to really didn’t provide me with a direction or yearning to be/do anything specific. 

You typically ask seniors in high school (US system) what they are going to go to college to learn/do. I didn’t have anything particular in mind. I figured something with business because that makes sense to my logical/Capricorn ways not because I had some deep desire to learn about the business industry. As of now, I have a diploma in Business Administration & Management and an AAS in Therapeutic Massage, plus some credits towards a BS in Community Health Education (but only a few), and I own my own business in the massage industry with a VERY SMALL retail component. And being completely candid, I’m over the running of my own business after the past 2 years. There are some downfalls in being your own boss and working alone. 

The other downfall of school being a “natural talent” is that when something is hard or I don’t “get it” quickly, I’m more inclined to drop it in the not for me bucket. This leads into another way I was indoctrinated as a child. Financial gain is important…you should work to make money…the more the better. (Please note this is not a direct quote, but what I have identified as I processed and worked through the ties to financial gain in my life.) Anytime I learn or want to learn a new craft (crochet, crystal work, tarot/oracle, scrapbooking, artsy stuff) I have this initial thought of “how can this provide for me?” I have worked long and hard to allow myself permission to do something JUST because it is fun and creative. BUT, I feel like I’m getting off the initial topic. 

So, the problem with natural talent, as it pertains to myself, is I give up quickly at times. I also struggle with burnout and with feeling good/worthy of different things in my life. So much of “who” I was growing up was linked to my natural talent at school (advanced placement, grades being As) that I struggle(d) with what my purpose is, what makes me worthy/special/unique, and continuing with something I’m not good at just because I enjoy the process. And I know I’m not alone in this. 

As a mother and an aunt, I try to focus on things that make the children in my life (even if they are adults) unique and their self, not on things that they can do or produce. One has a kind heart and extreme loyalty, one has a fierce heart and such a strong sense of self, and there are so many other qualities amongst all of them. It warms my heart when people start to see their self as being amazing without their amazing being tied to what they can do/give. 

Just the other night, my partner said one of the things they love most about me and what makes me such an amazing mom to our kids is that I can see these inner strengths. Then I had to blow their mind and list off some of their inner strengths. Even if they don’t see the internal strength (and I have been one of them), their are people that notice the strengths.

Yeah. More rambling. More jumping from point to point. I have a niece who is an English major that probably is a little cringy over my writing.  And that is ok. This is an outlet for my internal ramblings. They don’t have to make sense.

Another break, but not broken

 I’m not great at maintaining this, but I’m hoping to share some interesting information….or rather, more words I feel the need to share.  2021 is over, and in true me form, I learned another large quantity of information from the loss of a dear family member. The whole year (and really probably 2 years) have been about survival, change, and lack of control. (The last one applies in so many ways.) 

Survival made my focus be very narrow, only allowing myself to deal with one moment at a time because the chance for external factors was so very high. So much focus was on mental survival, just trying to eek out enough that I kept on keeping on. Some days were easier than others. 

Change over the past two years was also more constant than I like. Some was necessary, some was forced, and some was just the natural way of things.  The past two years haven’t been all doom and gloom. Before the world shut down, I did get to complete one of my soul’s journey to Ireland. A trip where I had to learn to not plan out everything in life and really just experience the moment. 

That lesson helped prepare me for the rest of 2020, and also 2021. Control escaped, life was defined by a series of one moment at a time, and a shift in pace was forced by factors of nature.  

2021 ended on a sadder note.  Loss hit my little world. I’ve been working to shift my focus to one of gratitude…to celebrate the time I was given than to focus on the pain of loss. I’m lucky to have had a lifetime of memories to bring peace to my soul. It still sucks but I find peace in the smiles of memories. 

The experience of this loss brought forth some new lessons that occurred very rapidly. I realized an energetic connection that made me experience a large quantity of anguish…and when I realized it wasn’t my own, I took the energetic protection I needed to not get swallowed in the waves. It also highlighted some boundaries I needed to have for myself. To finally learn (head and heart learn) that I have to prioritize myself, that doing so is not selfish, and to accept that I need to live my whole life as me…not as the version I think I need to be for different people/relationships as a way to earn love, affection, attention, and a few other things.

It also opened up some clarity on past me, wounds that need to be healed for me to thrive in this life of mine.  Even as I write this, I can see where I’m silencing myself as to not ruffle potential feathers. I’m giving myself permission to still need work on this, because all growth occurs in bits and pieces. 

Al of this to say, the past years have been full of moments, some good, some bad, and a lot of in between…but I’m not broken. I’m just my imperfect self trying to learn about myself and share moments along the way.

The Quest for Happiness

There is overwhelming number of references to "being happy" in the world around us right now. I just did a quick google search for songs with the word "happy" and found a site that said they found

37,748 lyrics,

37 artists,

and 100 albums

matching "happy".

That is a lot of happy in our culture for a population that is decidedly NOT happy.

I really believe everyone has become engrossed in searching for happiness externally that they have forgotten to look internally.

Sadly, I am acquainted with a number of people who are going through break ups, divorces, and the like. My number one piece of advice I give to them is to take time to learn to be happy with their self. 

It is a simply stated piece of advice that is horrifically hard to accomplish, especially for people-pleasers (such as myself). 

When you take the time to look internally, you will be surprised at what you find. I have done an extremely large quantity of self work over the past 2 years. Grief and loss will do that to you. It made me question EVERYTHING in my existence. It wasn't always easy, but the hard parts were definitely worth arriving to the point that I am at today. A point that is merely a resting point because it is a journey that will only end when my time here is over. 

I am getting a bit rambly and unfocused. Let us return to the nuts and bolts of this post. The QUEST for happiness.

When you are on a quest, you normally don't have a detailed map. Yes, you may have some clues, some general directions or ideas of how to get from point A to point B. However, the map doesn't tell you of washed out roads or downed trees blocking your path.

In an externally focused quest for happiness, these obstacles can be a divorce, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or any other thing you can think of that switches your course without you planning the change of direction. That is the problem with being externally focused on your quest for happiness. External obstacles can pop up and "ruin" the route. 

When you start to focus internally on your quest, you start looking at the causes for unhappiness or causes for the downed tree. Maybe the tree fell because it was not in a nutrient rich soil that could support it. As we apply this ideology to the quest for happiness, maybe you find you are ungrounded in your current environment. And REALIZING that you are ungrounded gives you a direction to move in, and area to "fix". 

In my own quest, one of the first realizations I had was that I placed too much of my happiness and other moods into the hands of others. As I dug deeper into that idea, I also realized that I transferred expectations of myself into perceived thoughts of others. (Example: I "thought" my husband would be upset if the house was not straightened and clean. In reality, I expected myself to keep the house spotless. My version of "cluttered messy house" was not an issue to my husband.) The more time I spent evaluating the IMPACT of this habit, I realized some of my external happiness was because of an internal discord with myself. 

As I worked to correct, or more importantly NOTICE, this trait, I found that the load had been lightened. I dumped some of the unnecessary baggage I had strapped on.  It was easier to be happy because I was enriching the soil rather than polluting it. 

Yes, there are always going to be external obstacles. That is the nature of life. However, as you focus on your internal happiness, you may just find that your reactions to the external obstacles change. The obstacles are merely seen as an inconvenient detour rather than an insurmountable road block.

Look inside of yourself. Find the TRUE YOU that is hidden within. 

*My little note on this process. It isn't an easy process. You may have to accept truths about yourself that are a little hard to swallow. Shining light in a cave exposes everything that is there. Ignorance is bliss. But not knowing about the hole in the floor of the cave could cause you greater injury and pain in the the long run.

CrossFit and Confidence

This morning at o'dark thirty,  wrapped up my second week of CrossFit classes. The local gym is having a competition with a year's membership as the prize.

Incentive + Need = Action

The past two years, my focus has been on mental health. My father's death shook my foundation very hard. It put me into an evil cycle with depression and anxiety as my constant companions. I was the most mom I could be. I gave my kids what I could while shrouded in my rain cloud.

It sucked. I knew I had to do something. I did counseling. I found crystal therapy. I was better...but not 100%. My physical health went to the wayside. During my bout with all of the crud, I used food (sweets especially) as my crutch. A certain brand of clothes removed the built in "uh oh" checks. Stretchy clothes mean you don't have as much accountability to your wardrobe.

The numbers on the scale steadily climbed.

Insert seeing the challenge online. Insert a bank account that had the extra $$. Insert taking the signs from the universe that it was time. So I went.

At 5 o'clock in the morning. A time I try really hard to pretend doesn't exist.

I didn't die.
I did the WOD. (Workout of the Day)
I put my health higher on the list.

And a crazy thing started to happen. I started finding myself again.
The old me. My brain started to focus forward. My posture improved. My mood improved.
My confidence returned.

Today, for the first time in awhile, I am wearing a dress and heels. A level of outfit that I haven't put together in too long.
I feel great.
I feel confident.
I feel the shackles of depression, anxiety, and grief didn't pick me today.

And that is worth all the money in the world. To shed the weight of grief and focus on the sun rather than the forecasted rain.

All of this boils down to:
Find what works for you.
Be kind to yourself.
Don't give up on the bad days.
Sunshine will return.

Soul lessons, Ascended thinking problems, Past life stuff

Today is one of those AH HA! days for me. I LOVE IT! Some of the simplest lessons are the hardest to fully learn.
Lesson: Life can neither be all work or all play. Fantasy and practicality can co-exist and SHOULD!
The details: (I almost put "The deets" but didn't, but then I just did. Ah the irony!)

As I was preparing for my morning cleanse (aka shower), I had one of those moments where all of the pieces clicked together. I was thinking about all of the trial and tribulations that I have been through in my life and how they have helped me grow into a better person, more of a person. When I remembered an experience I had recently (like past 3 months) during a meditation where my goal was to access past life messages I needed to see/hear in order to help myself on this current journey.

The messages/glimpses I saw were vastly different. In one, a young girl with long, wavy, black hair stood on the edge of a cliff, with a raging sea below, arms outstretched, twirling in circles. It was a moment of pure freedom and abandon.  In the other, a middle aged woman, sat toiling away to serve an unseen master. A woman who worked hard to exist, not live, in a very hard life. While this vision didn't have an overture of abuse, it did have a darker feel to it as the person depicted didn't have many joys in life. The person had a roof over their head. She had food in her stomach. But she also had the weight of the world shackled to her that prevented her from moving on, moving forward.

So, this morning the message finally came together. For me to REALLY LIVE this life, I can be neither carefree or over caring. I have to have both work AND play in my life. I need to buckle down and get things done AND I need to take moments to do things that aren't always practical. I need to let the girl on the edge of the cliff dance. I need to let the servant work. I need that BALANCE.

Another side of this revelation:
Earlier this week, I started on a CrossFit journey (more of that story will come in the future of this blog). My first day of this exercise journey, I was hit by an intense migraine of epic proportions. It was one of the worst I have had.
Now, that I have had my "ah ha!" moment, I understand that the physical exercise triggered another ascension in thinking. One that went very rapidly and my physical body couldn't keep up with so it shut down quickly.
I share this because on this journey of higher understanding I'm on, I'm frequently burdened with headaches and "baby" migraines. It is the physical manifestation of energetic work for me.  I really feel that all of the work I've been doing on myself is coming together quite well even with the hiccups and headaches that come with it.
So, as you continue on your journey, don't let the hurdles and speed bumps slow you down.

Soul lesson learned. Now, I need to live that lesson.

I also feel I need to include this side note. Previously, I have never thought of past life stuff. Through the work I have done and read into, I decided that I should do a meditation where the focus/goal was to access soul lessons I needed to master to continue on my current journey. My current thoughts on past life stuff can be watered down to this:
Certain interpretations of the bible state we don't enter heaven until Jesus comes back to earth.
Energy always exists, it is merely transferred.
Insert life cycle process where we turn into dirt and grass and nutrients.
So, parts of our energy have links to different portions of history through the life cycle process. Parts of us existed in a human form previously. That transfer of energy or lessons creates the person I am today.

MIND BLOWN. I surprise myself sometimes with how things fit together so nicely for me in this existence of Evolution + Creationism that I have. One of my go to quotes is "One day to us does not equal one day to God."