5 weeks pregnant

Holy moly. We are expecting another child. I'm happy and scared shitless. Going through infertility treatments so many years ago, I wished for this day.  Now that it is here, I have trouble believing it is true, that it is going to stick, that I'm really going to be a mom to more than one blessing from God.

The biggest question we have been getting is  "Was it planned?" and other variations that mean the same thing.  Yes, it was.  Did I expect it to happen so quickly, no.

So, because this is going to turn into a tracking of this pregnancy, please feel free to unfollow. I know how hard it can be to share in the happiness of others when you just wish it was you.  That it hurts to read all the reminders of what hasn't happened for you yet.  Please know I am praying for you. As cliche as it sounds, God has a plan for all of us and many things now may not make sense, but perhaps later down the road it will.


So here is to this blessing from God!

Random Things:
Morning sickness- no (Alleluia!) though I do get queasy from time to time.
Physical- My boobs feel huge.
Mental- disbelief, happiness, worry, sadness

First doctor appt isn't until mid-September (WTF?!)
The girl: happy and worried. Trying to make sure I reinforce that I am always going to love her bunches, I will never love her any less than I do now.

Wanting what is bad for you

I think everyone has those moments where you want something that you know is bad for you.
Take the fast food dinner: nutritional value of null, but it is fast...and easy...and edible.


I feel this way about a specific relationship. I keep wanting it, knowing it is bad for me...but it is fast, and easy, and there. No unknowns at all involved. I know what to expect and what not to.

Then there are other things that I think I want, I just don't know if I want them for the right reasons or if, like a new restaurant, I want them because they differ from what I have had before.

All of this leads to mass confusion and at time hysteria. And it is exhausting going through all the scenarios involved in different decisions.

I'm really ready for my life to be settled. I hate all of the upheaval of this transition period. I want to start working on my forever future and contentment.

Permission of imperfection

Perfectionism is one of my weakest areas. I'm constantly berating myself for not doing something right, for having imperfections. Constantly thinking people are seeing these imperfections and talking behind their hands to others about these imperfections. I make the imperfections worse in my mind and define myself about these imperfections of mine. It is all very tiring and pretty much my own imagination working against me. So, one of the things I'm going to do is give myself permission to be imperfect, to love me for who I am right now...even though that is a broken and empty shell of a person. I am working on the broken and empty parts. And I know in deepest parts of myself, that people like me just as I am. There is a lot more I want to post on this topic, but I'm not there yet. I know only a few people still read this, but that involves exposing a very big imperfection in me....and I'm not that strong and free from perfectionism yet.

So very tiring

Through the course of the last few days (well longer than that because I have this revelation all the time) I have realized how very tiring it is to give and give to others. I try so hard to make others happy and to help them through their weak moments, yet I don't do the same for me. When I'm having bad moments, I try to hide them from others or my stubborn pride prevents me from accepting help. It is a horrible cycle I put myself through. It is time to break this cycle. It is time for me ( which was the whole point when I started this blog). I was successful with this for a time, and I remember that time when I was happy. I struggle the most with putting me first when I am in a relationship. This leads me to believe that I am probably horrible at picking partners for myself and that a good part of the is because I look for the broken, the injured, the one who needs me most. And I don't put my needs first, which ultimately leads me to a breaking point. I start feeling like everything is one sided, that it is always me giving up what I want, me bending over backwards, me trying to fix a different broken.....and it normally ends in me and my broken hert. This has to change. I may have to isolate myself for awhile to get my mind reset. To create a hierarchy that satisfies my basic Ned's, and then I can work on those higher order needs. I know it is going to be hard. It is hard to change so many years of thinking. It is I credibly hard for me to be alone, because I crave companionship and making other people happy....but that happiness is pointless if I haven't put equal fervor and effort into making myself happy. I have good days and bad days. I have people who have shown me support in the smallest of ways with the greatest impact. I have people who I love that extremely toxic to my general emotional stability. It is is time to stop being tired, and time to be rejuvenized by the wonder of the world around me. It is time to drown in the kindness of others. Be that kindness shared drinks on a deck, a hand delivered coffee, or a shoulder to cry on. It is time to put me first.

Broken

A lot of the time I find myself feeling broken. It sucks. I really want to find that forever kind of love where I know that person wants me and only me. The person I can't wait to come home to. But I feel like may e there is something about me that prevents me from finding this. I also really want to have another child, but at the same time (being single and all) I don't know if that is ever going to happen. Yes, I'm aware I'm young and have plen of time, but I don't want to wait until Kaitlin is in high school to start back at square one. sigh.

Changes

My current relationship status is that of being single. After considering all of my options, I decided that working on being friends is the best option. (And after being told the decision was up to me) Was it easy? No. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I feel at peace with the decision? Yes. It isn't that I don't care, but instead I care about my own happiness more. So I'm focusing on me again (or trying to) and finding that lasting relationship that is centered on friendship, trust, and beliefs. I'm looking for that someone who supports me as much as I support them. Someone who wants marriage and children. Will I go back to the one I was with? At this point, my answer is no. The issue we have is a recurring one and I can't continue to allow myself into that toxic situation anymore. I'm not sure he has realized I was serious when I said "let's just be friends." So, if any of my very few readers have suggestions, I am all ears on tips on how to return to the dating pool. (shudder)

Insanity

The recent events in my life are starting to culminate into the Albert Einstein quote on insanity. If I can't be honest with myself here, where can I? My current relationship is following the path it normally does, which always ends up with me feeling insignificant. Part of me realizes the other does not do this intentionally, but is it a feeling I should live with? Do I continue to repeat myself to try and get this person to realize my needs? Further, if I bring the bible parable in about a foundation built on rock, it adds a new level. Even way back when, our relationship has been built more on the physical side of things. As I get older, I realize I need more than that. Any lasting relationship (in y opinion) is built like a partnership. Both parties work towards the betterment of the pair. Yes, you can have separate interests, but both should encourage the other to be their best. To push them towards their goals and dreams. To support them when times are rough. And I really feel this area is lacking. My job can be stressful at times, and during those times I need someone to push me through the stress, not wish I had a different job or boss. That doesn't push me to be a better person, that pushes me to seek a different option than to succeed with where am. I don't know what is going to happen. I just know I want to feel loved, cherished, and an equal partner.