Broken

A lot of the time I find myself feeling broken. It sucks. I really want to find that forever kind of love where I know that person wants me and only me. The person I can't wait to come home to. But I feel like may e there is something about me that prevents me from finding this. I also really want to have another child, but at the same time (being single and all) I don't know if that is ever going to happen. Yes, I'm aware I'm young and have plen of time, but I don't want to wait until Kaitlin is in high school to start back at square one. sigh.

Changes

My current relationship status is that of being single. After considering all of my options, I decided that working on being friends is the best option. (And after being told the decision was up to me) Was it easy? No. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I feel at peace with the decision? Yes. It isn't that I don't care, but instead I care about my own happiness more. So I'm focusing on me again (or trying to) and finding that lasting relationship that is centered on friendship, trust, and beliefs. I'm looking for that someone who supports me as much as I support them. Someone who wants marriage and children. Will I go back to the one I was with? At this point, my answer is no. The issue we have is a recurring one and I can't continue to allow myself into that toxic situation anymore. I'm not sure he has realized I was serious when I said "let's just be friends." So, if any of my very few readers have suggestions, I am all ears on tips on how to return to the dating pool. (shudder)

Insanity

The recent events in my life are starting to culminate into the Albert Einstein quote on insanity. If I can't be honest with myself here, where can I? My current relationship is following the path it normally does, which always ends up with me feeling insignificant. Part of me realizes the other does not do this intentionally, but is it a feeling I should live with? Do I continue to repeat myself to try and get this person to realize my needs? Further, if I bring the bible parable in about a foundation built on rock, it adds a new level. Even way back when, our relationship has been built more on the physical side of things. As I get older, I realize I need more than that. Any lasting relationship (in y opinion) is built like a partnership. Both parties work towards the betterment of the pair. Yes, you can have separate interests, but both should encourage the other to be their best. To push them towards their goals and dreams. To support them when times are rough. And I really feel this area is lacking. My job can be stressful at times, and during those times I need someone to push me through the stress, not wish I had a different job or boss. That doesn't push me to be a better person, that pushes me to seek a different option than to succeed with where am. I don't know what is going to happen. I just know I want to feel loved, cherished, and an equal partner.

Maybe I'm not

Maybe I'm not relationship material. Maybe my past has completely ruined the chance of finding lifelong companionship for me. I can't let go and trust wholeheartedly, I am normally waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'm too much like my dad, too much like my mom. Maybe, God isn't done with me yet and has a grand plan for me to find the happiness I seek. Maybe I need to focus on my relationship with God and make him my lifelong companion. He has already made the ultimate sacrifice for me, an undeserving sinner. It can't really get better than that, can it?

Co-Existing

*DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE JUST MY OWN PERSONAL VIEWS. I believe in freedom of speech, hate will not be tolerated.* Two arguments I see frequently are Evolution vs Creationism and the definition of marriage. Though I am a Christian, and I believe that God created the world and everything in it, I also believe in evolution. I do not try to make these two beliefs exist simultaneously. I believe in both and both exist in my life. The bigger issue currently is what is the definition of marriage. Should marriage be limited to one man and one woman? I don't believe so. I believe marriage is a union of two people who love each other. The sex of those two people is a moot point. And here is where the real struggle occurs. Recently, my pastor at church has been hitting on the topic that marriage is between one man and one woman. I understand and comprehend that teaching. However, I also believe we cannot judge others. If two women or two men want to join in holy matrimony, they should have that right. God placed those two people together for a reason. Further, this is where I believe separation of church and state should play a role. Isn't this country founded on freedom? The freedom to choose a religion, the freedom to bear arms, shouldn't that freedom extend to choose whom we love and marry? How can our government put a label that marriage should just be between a man and a woman? (To further clarify, my argument is marriage between two people.) Just food for thought today. In general, I believe people have the right to be happy as long as their happiness is not by making others unhappy. I don't believe we have a right to label love or judge others.

Garden planning

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of spending $1 for a single red pepper in December. Seriously, it's a pepper. THIS has been the driving force for me to plan a garden for this summer. I have the space, I have a row of asparagus already, time to fill in some more. So far, I've mainly been researching, trying to decide what to grow, and not getting much of anything done. The list so far: Peppers kale (?) Zucchini Squash green beans (?) Potatoes (?)

Because I'm random at best

I really should get better about posting here on a regular basis, not just once a year. What has occurred in the past year: Bought a house Got a yittle puppy. Got another dog. Started working on my degree again. (Community Health Education is what I'm currently working on.) I've decided to stop doing massages (while I'm going to school and working full-time) as I need more time for me and more time for family. Need to work on a social life/getting out with people with similar interests. Otherwise, everything is as normal as it can be. (AKA: it is always crazy and full of ups and downs) Hoping to plant a garden this year and perhaps revive this blog.