Wanting what is bad for you

I think everyone has those moments where you want something that you know is bad for you.
Take the fast food dinner: nutritional value of null, but it is fast...and easy...and edible.


I feel this way about a specific relationship. I keep wanting it, knowing it is bad for me...but it is fast, and easy, and there. No unknowns at all involved. I know what to expect and what not to.

Then there are other things that I think I want, I just don't know if I want them for the right reasons or if, like a new restaurant, I want them because they differ from what I have had before.

All of this leads to mass confusion and at time hysteria. And it is exhausting going through all the scenarios involved in different decisions.

I'm really ready for my life to be settled. I hate all of the upheaval of this transition period. I want to start working on my forever future and contentment.

Permission of imperfection

Perfectionism is one of my weakest areas. I'm constantly berating myself for not doing something right, for having imperfections. Constantly thinking people are seeing these imperfections and talking behind their hands to others about these imperfections. I make the imperfections worse in my mind and define myself about these imperfections of mine. It is all very tiring and pretty much my own imagination working against me. So, one of the things I'm going to do is give myself permission to be imperfect, to love me for who I am right now...even though that is a broken and empty shell of a person. I am working on the broken and empty parts. And I know in deepest parts of myself, that people like me just as I am. There is a lot more I want to post on this topic, but I'm not there yet. I know only a few people still read this, but that involves exposing a very big imperfection in me....and I'm not that strong and free from perfectionism yet.

So very tiring

Through the course of the last few days (well longer than that because I have this revelation all the time) I have realized how very tiring it is to give and give to others. I try so hard to make others happy and to help them through their weak moments, yet I don't do the same for me. When I'm having bad moments, I try to hide them from others or my stubborn pride prevents me from accepting help. It is a horrible cycle I put myself through. It is time to break this cycle. It is time for me ( which was the whole point when I started this blog). I was successful with this for a time, and I remember that time when I was happy. I struggle the most with putting me first when I am in a relationship. This leads me to believe that I am probably horrible at picking partners for myself and that a good part of the is because I look for the broken, the injured, the one who needs me most. And I don't put my needs first, which ultimately leads me to a breaking point. I start feeling like everything is one sided, that it is always me giving up what I want, me bending over backwards, me trying to fix a different broken.....and it normally ends in me and my broken hert. This has to change. I may have to isolate myself for awhile to get my mind reset. To create a hierarchy that satisfies my basic Ned's, and then I can work on those higher order needs. I know it is going to be hard. It is hard to change so many years of thinking. It is I credibly hard for me to be alone, because I crave companionship and making other people happy....but that happiness is pointless if I haven't put equal fervor and effort into making myself happy. I have good days and bad days. I have people who have shown me support in the smallest of ways with the greatest impact. I have people who I love that extremely toxic to my general emotional stability. It is is time to stop being tired, and time to be rejuvenized by the wonder of the world around me. It is time to drown in the kindness of others. Be that kindness shared drinks on a deck, a hand delivered coffee, or a shoulder to cry on. It is time to put me first.