So very tiring

Through the course of the last few days (well longer than that because I have this revelation all the time) I have realized how very tiring it is to give and give to others. I try so hard to make others happy and to help them through their weak moments, yet I don't do the same for me. When I'm having bad moments, I try to hide them from others or my stubborn pride prevents me from accepting help. It is a horrible cycle I put myself through. It is time to break this cycle. It is time for me ( which was the whole point when I started this blog). I was successful with this for a time, and I remember that time when I was happy. I struggle the most with putting me first when I am in a relationship. This leads me to believe that I am probably horrible at picking partners for myself and that a good part of the is because I look for the broken, the injured, the one who needs me most. And I don't put my needs first, which ultimately leads me to a breaking point. I start feeling like everything is one sided, that it is always me giving up what I want, me bending over backwards, me trying to fix a different broken.....and it normally ends in me and my broken hert. This has to change. I may have to isolate myself for awhile to get my mind reset. To create a hierarchy that satisfies my basic Ned's, and then I can work on those higher order needs. I know it is going to be hard. It is hard to change so many years of thinking. It is I credibly hard for me to be alone, because I crave companionship and making other people happy....but that happiness is pointless if I haven't put equal fervor and effort into making myself happy. I have good days and bad days. I have people who have shown me support in the smallest of ways with the greatest impact. I have people who I love that extremely toxic to my general emotional stability. It is is time to stop being tired, and time to be rejuvenized by the wonder of the world around me. It is time to drown in the kindness of others. Be that kindness shared drinks on a deck, a hand delivered coffee, or a shoulder to cry on. It is time to put me first.