Root-less Soul

I’ve always been one to have a specific area/geographic location where I was grounded, a home for my soul. A place that always provided comfort, a sense of belonging, and it always provided that security of “if it isn’t right right now, it will be. This too shall pass.”

Recently, through a wide variety of events, I have lost this place for my soul. 

Random backstory, I have lived in the same 2 counties for the majority of my life. I lived in another country for less than a year, and then the past 5+ years I have lived in a different part of the state I have always lived in.  ALL of the homes I lived in from birth to about 9/10 are gone. Gone as in they are now just patches of grass.

Return to the current story:

I am currently rootless in my soul. I know I’m not meant to move back to where I am from…but I am also not meant to stay where I am at. There is a lack of clarity of where my next “home” should be. And this brings the big sads as I am someone who makes home where I go. I sink my roots in and try to make everywhere my physical home and try to recreate that sense of belonging. 

Yes, I know that home, especially for my soul, doesn’t have to be a physical space…but your physical space does support you in your energetics as well. 

We (the spouse and I) just returned from a mini vacation weekend with friends. It was to an area that I know well and is a larger city near where I’m from. We had a fabulous time. It was glorious for me to be surrounded by diversity again. However, upon returning to our physical home and running errands, I have realized how energetically stifling this area is for me and also my spouse (who isn’t as into the energies as I am). There are wonderful people here, some integral members of my soul family are here and I needed to meet them, but there is a lot of “locked in the past” energy here. Where differences from the norm are not really celebrated and appreciated. We have done alright here, we haven’t really thrived though. We have survived, which really relates to the times we are in. 

All of this to really say, I’m not doing well not having a plan or goal that has tangible steps to it. I’m also mourning the loss of home from my own past, while trying to figure out the future. As a soul who relates very much to trees, it is hard being without my roots planted. This is a phase of life where I need to tap deeper into the water and flow.

It isn’t a straight and narrow path

 This path that I’m on isn’t one that is easy to follow. It isn’t a paved road. 

It is a path filled with valleys and hills, holes and ruts, scenic views and so much more.

Right now, it is in more of a valley. My depression has been activated the past few days and I’m trying to stay ahead and do the things that I need to do.

Almost all of the plans I’ve tried to make have fallen apart.

This would be a great place to say F IT and go back to living in the dark and pretending. A place where I could stop trying to learn more, stop ascending my ways of thought.

But I continue on. I’m so tired of being on the struggle bus, but I refuse to stand still.

I’m still trying to figure out my dreams. Honestly, I haven’t put the time and effort into figuring them out. It is one of the many things on my to do list. It is easier to do nothing at times or make myself so busy that I “forget” or can’t get to the important work of self.

One of the dreams I started on was one that involves traveling more for work. I also thought of doing some motivational speaking. I see so much potential in our youth, yet they seem to get so lost and focused on fitting in instead of standing out. I wish they could see that there is such a huge world outside of these small towns. 

I want the world to stop thinking the only path to success is on the backs of others.  That we can all do better if we would just learn to support one another instead of tearing each other apart.  

And maybe that is why everything is so sad to me right now. Because the world is so full of hate and people/businesses pushing harder and higher on the backs of so many regular humans. 

So, while I’m in this valley, I’m going to take a few to pause and see the foliage that grows where the sun doesn’t shine the brightest. To take a moment and live like a mushroom. 

Be well. Treat yourself with some grace and understanding. 

Now, take a deep breath and keep on keeping on.

The dreams of a recovering people pleaser

 Do you have a people pleaser person in your life? Maybe one that is recovering?

I fit the recovering people pleaser label. *what follows is only my current experience/pondering….so your path may differ*

I pretty much faced a hard truth this morning that is the start of a lot of thinking.  

What dreams do I have for just me without wanting to please those in my life? 

Can you imagine being in your late 30s and realizing the few dreams you have had weren’t really just for you? That so many components involved being something for someone else, constantly trying to reach some magic milestone that made you feel like just you was enough.

This path of mine to self discovery is definitely spiral shaped, each lesson having so many levels/layers that I need to sink into. Some of this dreamlessness makes me feel like I’ve been a sham to myself for so long, makes me question who I really am.

So if this is you as well, you aren’t alone.

Dreams can be created and realized at any age…but I’m going to really do some thinking on what I want for just me. Not a parent, not a spouse, not a sibling, not a child….just me. And I’m adding the further stipulation that this dream can’t be dependent on the actions/inactions of others.

Crying over tea

 Yeah.  So a cup of tea made me cry last night.

Being the person who takes care of everyone else is a certain type of exhausting.  I’m very not great at taking care of myself. I celebrated a birthday recently…and was feeling very woe is me about how that went down…while simultaneously trying to feel grateful for a getaway to Florida.  To add to “background information” I’m the planner in my family and also the one who thinks birthdays are a big deal. I’m also a middle child…do you see where this is going?

So my birthday, where I am grateful was spent in a sunny local with sand and not snow, and I get to choose what we do for the day. We play arcade games, walk on the beach, have fun a drinky drink, eat at Arroz con Leche (mmm Cuban food),  go to Holistic House (which is a fabulous little shop in Holly Hills with some amazing practitioners), stop and get some mini cheesecakes, and go back and just chill for the rest of the day.  

Fast forward to returning home a few days later, where I’m in post vacation sad paired with lessons learned while away sinking in, and I’m feeling the sads  because no one did anything for my birthday.  I got a happy birthday text from my mom and some Facebook bday messages, my mother and father in law both sent cards with $ for my trip….but I’m just feeling very unimportant. Very much in the land of no one cares enough to plan something for my birthday.  

So I go to my b!+(3$ house to visit because they are a part of my soul family. I arrive and am asked if I would like tea, then what flavor and before I can answer, the flavor I would have selected was selected for me. My tea is prepared with honey and placed in my hands in a “friends are sisters we pick” type of mug and I can’t hold the tears in.  My friends took care of me without me asking, without me putting in any input, and they cared for me and I lost it.  Then I was hustled to the couch and wrapped in a blanket.

Soo…all of this to encourage you to take care of the person who seems like they can handle everything, that have the big hearts, that care for others.  It doesn’t have to be a grand or expensive gesture…a simple cup of tea can make a person feel like they matter.

10 Year Progress

 I’ve been thinking about that whole 10 year challenge that you see going around social media…while noticing so many women dogging on how much their appearance has changed in that time…So I’m switching it up.

Here’s to the past 10 years of growth:

I‘Ve gone from a salaried employee of the state to a stay at home mom to a self-employed mom to a self-employed service industry business owner mom. 

I’ve suffered the loss of my dad, uncles, and a grandma.

I’ve been involved in the purchase of 2 houses (this was a joint effort with the partner).

I’ve sold a house.

I moved to a different part of the state.

I’ve had a whole other kid…and am the parent of a legal adult.

I’ve struggled and survived through stress, anxiety, depression.

I’ve see resiliency in my physical body.

The sheer quantity that I have learned about myself in 10 years is HUGE.

I’ve shifted from religious to spiritual.

I’ve learned hard truths…both about myself and the world around me.

I’ve met members of my soul family.

I’ve been the ear and shoulder for others.

I’ve leaned on others.

I’ve fallen to my knees under the weight of grief.

I learned to stand in the ocean of grief…and rather than fight it, I learned how to flow with it.

I’ve made a soul journey to Ireland…alone...with no real plan but to experience what I needed to.

I‘m swimming towards the deep end of energy work…of accepting the talents bestowed upon me for this go around of my soul.

I got married…for the 3rd time…to the person I married the 1st time.

That same relationship has shifted and grown, ebbed and flowed…and has taught me so much about how a relationship survives is through growth…together, learning through the rough patches, savoring the sweet times.

Honestly….10 years is a long time filled with so many moments…some will leave lasting marks (good and bad) and so many other moments will fade away. 

The biggest change in 10 years? I’m learning and focusing on loving myself….as my SELF.

The Problem with “Natural Talent”

 Growing up, school always came easy to me. I didn’t have to try very hard to succeed. This “natural talent” is a double edged sword as an adult.  As I progressed through school, this talent helped build the foundation of being able to succeed in something if I wanted to but it also came with a price. Knowing I could succeed if I wanted to really didn’t provide me with a direction or yearning to be/do anything specific. 

You typically ask seniors in high school (US system) what they are going to go to college to learn/do. I didn’t have anything particular in mind. I figured something with business because that makes sense to my logical/Capricorn ways not because I had some deep desire to learn about the business industry. As of now, I have a diploma in Business Administration & Management and an AAS in Therapeutic Massage, plus some credits towards a BS in Community Health Education (but only a few), and I own my own business in the massage industry with a VERY SMALL retail component. And being completely candid, I’m over the running of my own business after the past 2 years. There are some downfalls in being your own boss and working alone. 

The other downfall of school being a “natural talent” is that when something is hard or I don’t “get it” quickly, I’m more inclined to drop it in the not for me bucket. This leads into another way I was indoctrinated as a child. Financial gain is important…you should work to make money…the more the better. (Please note this is not a direct quote, but what I have identified as I processed and worked through the ties to financial gain in my life.) Anytime I learn or want to learn a new craft (crochet, crystal work, tarot/oracle, scrapbooking, artsy stuff) I have this initial thought of “how can this provide for me?” I have worked long and hard to allow myself permission to do something JUST because it is fun and creative. BUT, I feel like I’m getting off the initial topic. 

So, the problem with natural talent, as it pertains to myself, is I give up quickly at times. I also struggle with burnout and with feeling good/worthy of different things in my life. So much of “who” I was growing up was linked to my natural talent at school (advanced placement, grades being As) that I struggle(d) with what my purpose is, what makes me worthy/special/unique, and continuing with something I’m not good at just because I enjoy the process. And I know I’m not alone in this. 

As a mother and an aunt, I try to focus on things that make the children in my life (even if they are adults) unique and their self, not on things that they can do or produce. One has a kind heart and extreme loyalty, one has a fierce heart and such a strong sense of self, and there are so many other qualities amongst all of them. It warms my heart when people start to see their self as being amazing without their amazing being tied to what they can do/give. 

Just the other night, my partner said one of the things they love most about me and what makes me such an amazing mom to our kids is that I can see these inner strengths. Then I had to blow their mind and list off some of their inner strengths. Even if they don’t see the internal strength (and I have been one of them), their are people that notice the strengths.

Yeah. More rambling. More jumping from point to point. I have a niece who is an English major that probably is a little cringy over my writing.  And that is ok. This is an outlet for my internal ramblings. They don’t have to make sense.

Another break, but not broken

 I’m not great at maintaining this, but I’m hoping to share some interesting information….or rather, more words I feel the need to share.  2021 is over, and in true me form, I learned another large quantity of information from the loss of a dear family member. The whole year (and really probably 2 years) have been about survival, change, and lack of control. (The last one applies in so many ways.) 

Survival made my focus be very narrow, only allowing myself to deal with one moment at a time because the chance for external factors was so very high. So much focus was on mental survival, just trying to eek out enough that I kept on keeping on. Some days were easier than others. 

Change over the past two years was also more constant than I like. Some was necessary, some was forced, and some was just the natural way of things.  The past two years haven’t been all doom and gloom. Before the world shut down, I did get to complete one of my soul’s journey to Ireland. A trip where I had to learn to not plan out everything in life and really just experience the moment. 

That lesson helped prepare me for the rest of 2020, and also 2021. Control escaped, life was defined by a series of one moment at a time, and a shift in pace was forced by factors of nature.  

2021 ended on a sadder note.  Loss hit my little world. I’ve been working to shift my focus to one of gratitude…to celebrate the time I was given than to focus on the pain of loss. I’m lucky to have had a lifetime of memories to bring peace to my soul. It still sucks but I find peace in the smiles of memories. 

The experience of this loss brought forth some new lessons that occurred very rapidly. I realized an energetic connection that made me experience a large quantity of anguish…and when I realized it wasn’t my own, I took the energetic protection I needed to not get swallowed in the waves. It also highlighted some boundaries I needed to have for myself. To finally learn (head and heart learn) that I have to prioritize myself, that doing so is not selfish, and to accept that I need to live my whole life as me…not as the version I think I need to be for different people/relationships as a way to earn love, affection, attention, and a few other things.

It also opened up some clarity on past me, wounds that need to be healed for me to thrive in this life of mine.  Even as I write this, I can see where I’m silencing myself as to not ruffle potential feathers. I’m giving myself permission to still need work on this, because all growth occurs in bits and pieces. 

Al of this to say, the past years have been full of moments, some good, some bad, and a lot of in between…but I’m not broken. I’m just my imperfect self trying to learn about myself and share moments along the way.