Another break, but not broken

 I’m not great at maintaining this, but I’m hoping to share some interesting information….or rather, more words I feel the need to share.  2021 is over, and in true me form, I learned another large quantity of information from the loss of a dear family member. The whole year (and really probably 2 years) have been about survival, change, and lack of control. (The last one applies in so many ways.) 

Survival made my focus be very narrow, only allowing myself to deal with one moment at a time because the chance for external factors was so very high. So much focus was on mental survival, just trying to eek out enough that I kept on keeping on. Some days were easier than others. 

Change over the past two years was also more constant than I like. Some was necessary, some was forced, and some was just the natural way of things.  The past two years haven’t been all doom and gloom. Before the world shut down, I did get to complete one of my soul’s journey to Ireland. A trip where I had to learn to not plan out everything in life and really just experience the moment. 

That lesson helped prepare me for the rest of 2020, and also 2021. Control escaped, life was defined by a series of one moment at a time, and a shift in pace was forced by factors of nature.  

2021 ended on a sadder note.  Loss hit my little world. I’ve been working to shift my focus to one of gratitude…to celebrate the time I was given than to focus on the pain of loss. I’m lucky to have had a lifetime of memories to bring peace to my soul. It still sucks but I find peace in the smiles of memories. 

The experience of this loss brought forth some new lessons that occurred very rapidly. I realized an energetic connection that made me experience a large quantity of anguish…and when I realized it wasn’t my own, I took the energetic protection I needed to not get swallowed in the waves. It also highlighted some boundaries I needed to have for myself. To finally learn (head and heart learn) that I have to prioritize myself, that doing so is not selfish, and to accept that I need to live my whole life as me…not as the version I think I need to be for different people/relationships as a way to earn love, affection, attention, and a few other things.

It also opened up some clarity on past me, wounds that need to be healed for me to thrive in this life of mine.  Even as I write this, I can see where I’m silencing myself as to not ruffle potential feathers. I’m giving myself permission to still need work on this, because all growth occurs in bits and pieces. 

Al of this to say, the past years have been full of moments, some good, some bad, and a lot of in between…but I’m not broken. I’m just my imperfect self trying to learn about myself and share moments along the way.