1 of to 1 in

So, life tends to be a roller coaster. Mine tends to involve a roller coaster of emotions. Most days I am hapy just being the awesome that is me. :) Everynow and then,the lonely catches up and hangs around for a few days. :P
Hobby Lobby almost made me cry today. I decided to look at home decor/wall hanging stuffs. Reading all the family makes a home, love is all that matters, etc did a number of my delicate emotional state.
And what's odd isbecause prior to going in, I had been thinking about how I am tired of being 1 of millions. I really want to be that 1 in a million to someone.

I know that person is out there somewhere. I am just impatient. I miss the conversation, being able o just be wrapped in someones arms, miss feeling important to someone.

neglected

This blog has been neglected. I started a new position at wok and it has been busy busy busy.

I also don't have internet or cable at home, which makes it hard to post.
Things are good. Dating sucks, but I'm happy just being me. :)

The changes keep happening!

If you change one thing, it can lead to a landslide of other changes. I will be starting a new job July 1. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited for the challenges and the new responsibilities and all that the new position will entail. I'm nervous because it is doing completely different things than what I am currently doing.
EEK!

Next:

I am officially in the next chapter of my life.
After a 2.5 hour wait at the courthouse, followed by a 5 minute meeting with a judge, I'm officially a single woman again.
Am I sad by this? Slightly. But I have experience a lost happiness the past months, and I have missed that. I missed the slightly goofy, ever smiling, me that I am.

So I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me.
I had a discussion with a cousin last night that put a lot of perspective to my life and goals.
Can you believe I've never had a huge desire to be "insert occupation here"?
I have the mental capacity and drive to be whatever I want. I just don't have the desire to be a corporate ladder climber.
I'm actually really content being a mom and wife and a massage therapist.
I like to learn new things, but not necessarily because I want to apply it to anything other than my own personal knowledge.
I have hobbies, I have things I like to do, but honestly, I'd rather be able to spend time with the girl and take her to do fun and interesting things. I want to teach her to be compassionate (which, I do, the girl has a heart the size of Texas made of gold). I want her to experience different things, not be limited in her interests.
Heck, I love the fact that I took Intro to Auto in high school and can take apart a lawnmower engine and put it back together, I can change my own oil, and I can change a tire.
That doesn't mean I don't like to go get my hair and nails done though.
I like being diversified. I want Kaitlin to be able to have that diversity as well.

And this post really just turned into a brain dump....but that's alright. Because that is who I am.
I am completely random.
I love being around other people.
I love being challenged.
I am fun. I am loyal. I am me. :D

Time for Me

I have a weakness for getting wrapped up in people and tend to forget to take care of me.
I'm glad God decided to give me a big shove this past weekend.
I feel more at peace with my current situations. I'm planning on doing a couple things and they are making me excited. I'm looking forward to using my God-given talents.
Things aren't always going to be easy.
There will be times I doubt myself and my abilities.
I just have to remember, everything happens for a reason, I need to listen to God and not do what I want, things work out in the end, if it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end.

So, here's to a rededication to me, to putting the focus on me and making me a better person, to working towards MY DREAMS and not putting life on hold for anyone. :D

Last Day of First Grade

Today is the girl's last FULL day of First Grade!
Who stole my baby and replaced her with this growing girl??!!
I love her oh so very much and enjoy being her mom and being able to see her grow.
She makes me giggle, makes me scream, makes me smile.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

So as of tomorrow around 9 am, I will be the mom of a second grader.

Exercise Regime and Healthful Eating

Me and the girl are in a good groove right now. I'm in super healthy mode, and her little body LOVES to eat healthy, yummy things!
She's had wraps for lunch the past two days.
I had hummus and crackers and an apple.

I don't think I'll be buying chips anymore.
And probably won't be buying much in the JUNK category.
This means trying new vegetables and things for me, as I'm very picky about what I will and won't eat.
I'm enjoying this shift and am hoping we can stick with it.

I've also started an exercise regime as part of Operation Get Skinny.
Since moving out, I've lost over 20 lbs. I'm officially under my danger weight. But that isn't enough for me. I love the change (other than not having clothes that fit properly) and relish the fact I'm down a size. My goal is to get down 2 more sizes and drop another 30 lbs or so. I don't own a scale (partially on purpose), so the size goal is the more important one.
My regime includes lunch hour running, "running" on the gazelle at night, using my yoga ball, actually doing yoga, and making sure to stretch and work on my flexibility as well.

And back to our regularly scheduled programming

After a whirlwind 2 weeks, life should be settling down a little.
The girl's dad has been in town and we spent A LOT of time together.
The family time was AMAZING. I had such a great Mother's Day this year.
And I really enjoyed the time we had to spend together.
We spent time with his family as well. And while it put me a bit off kilter, it was nice as well.

In less than 10 days, my last name shall be changing again. I'm kind of excited to be going back and having the same last name as the girl.

Speaking of the girl, her last full day of school is Thursday, with Friday being a chapel/pick up report card kind of day. I can't believe she will be in second grade next year!

In more other news, I am going to be closing my office. :(
It was very hard to make the decision, but I'm at peace with it. I want to spend more time on me and on the girl. So something has to give somewhere.
I'm still going to try and keep practicing massage, I'm just not sure of the where and how often.
A part of me really wants to go back to school, get my bachelor's, and find a job that challenges me and interests me. Just haven't figured out how to get that all done in the time and financial sense.

That One Person

Do you have a "one person" in your life?
You know, the one person who can come in and turn everything in your life upside down with a few words.
The one who knows you.
The one who brings your biggest dream back to life.
The one who infuriates you.
The one who causes you the greatest pains.
The one who brings you comfort.
The one who makes you smile.
The one who makes you cry.
The one who drives you crazy.

Fun Lunch

Lately, I've been an awesome mom with Kaitlin's lunches.
We've been embracing a bit of the bento box theme.
I normally just make a fun sandwich. :D
She's had a heart, a rocketship, a STL Blues logo, mickey mouse.

This week she has started making her own lunch. :(

I'm hoping to make her something fun tomorrow!

AND I'm hoping to continue making our way towards healthier eating as the weeks/summer goes by.

People

There are so many wonderful people I've had the chance to meet, grow with, and become friends with in my life.
I'm truly amazed by the closeness I have with some of these people. And I thank God for the friendships I have with them.

It is crazy how you can go long periods of time not talking to someone, then send them a message out of the blue one day and pick up where you left off. And the more surprising part is when that friendship grows so much deeper and you learn so much more.

It is also amazing when you meet someone new and form a close friendship in a short amount of time. Out of all the people in the world, when you meet someone you instantly like and have a blast with and can have deep conversations with, it is nothing short of spectacular.

Day by day

Slowly making progress on everything.
I'm learning a lot about myself.
I'm really feeling a push to move out of the area.
So I'm using the next year to save $, get stuff together, and then will re-evaluate this time next year.

But I really feel like I need to move west of where I'm at.

Texas and California are the top runners as of today....but that can always change. :D

Blessed

God has blessed me with the most wonderful little girl. And I'm truely amazed at her caring nature and the excited to see the woman she will become one day.
I love all the little reminders about how lucky I am.

This morning, while I was switching purses, I came across some change. Seeing my change, reminded Kaitlin that today was chapel at her school. When I went to start giving her some of the money I had on hand, she told me no. She had plenty of money of her own.
She then ran to her room and came back with some of her money. She had $3 and some pennies. She said she wanted 1st grade to get a 100% or something of that nature.

I'm blessed to have a little girl that knows I stress about money and who would rather give her money at church, then hold onto it and use it for candy or toys.
I think we can all use a lesson like this.

I thank God everyday for my little girl. I hope he continues to bless and guide me to continue to make sure she continues to grow in his way and to let her light of faith burn brighter every day.

Climbing

Me and my friend went indoor rock climbing this weekend.
IT WAS AWESOME!
We had a blast and plan on using this sport/activity as OUR stress relief. (Hey, massage therapists get stressed too. I just have a difficult time relaxing and enjoying myself during massages myself. Too busy trying to figure out new techniques)

We took the Rock 101 class at Upper Limits. It was very informative and we had a good time. (even if we were the only 2 girls in a class of 8. We are really good about laughing at ourselves)
We still have trust issues to work with, but I did get about 2/3's of the way up, so that is good. :D

Everything else just kind of is at the moment. I have good days and bad days.
I am in the process of moving all of my junk into my new apt. I love it so far.

Things are on the up and up!

Adjusting

Sorry for the silence. I've been adjusting to some changes. (And the weather has been nice...not so much the case today)

I miss by baby when she is not with me. The break is nice, don't get me wrong, but I miss hearing and seeing her in the next room.

Things are going.It seems that some things are going slower than I had planned, but I'm adjusting to that as well.

I'm really excited to get into my own place(still don't have a date for that. :( )
I am desperate to stop living out of boxes.

Sorry I don't have more. Things have been slow and boring as of late.
Have a fabulous day!

Moving is Hazardous

I moved quite a bit of stuff this past weekend. A good friend crossed the river to help me with some furniture moving. (SO THANKFUL!)
In the process of moving stuff, I injured myself. (not badly, but a little)
I busted my lip (only slightly puffy) with a patio chair to the face and bruised my leg (it is currently showing me how red and blue make purple). Not too bad.

Slowly but surely, I am getting stuff moved.
The women's retreat was good. I really enjoyed the time and fellowship and might have to look a little more into doing more things like it.
Big words of wisdom/things that meant a lot to me:
Thank you Jesus for YOUR changes to MY plans.
Stop focusing on what God ISN'T doing, and instead focus on what he IS doing.

Simple thoughts, HUGE meanings. I really am trying to be more positive and focusing on what good fortune I do have, because in the grand scheme of things, my "problems" are miniscule.

AND to put the icing on the positive cake, I finally (after 7 games) won MONOPOLY! So, I'm riding that high at the moment. (yes, I have been beaten more than once at monopoly by a 7 year old)
In conclusion, things are good. I've put a smile on my face, God is awesome, life is good.

Filed

The papers are in the hands of the legal system now. I'm hoping the judge doesn't want more information before signing off on them.
It's a double edged sword. I feel relief because I have one less thing on my plate, but I'm still a little sad and angry with myself. Angry for not trying harder/speaking up earlier, and sad because this sucks.

But I know that I did try to speak up, I did ask for help...in my own way.
And I know tomorrow will be a better day.
I know that I am doing better now than I was then.

So, lets focus on the up. I have a renewal to go to this weekend. One of my best girl friends is going to be in town and I have given myself the weekend off.
That's right, no massages for 3 days in a row!!!!
Plus my appetite is slowly returning.
I still don't eat much, and a lot of the time I'm just forcing myself to eat, but I'm alright.

Cleaning Up

I look good today.
I dressed to the nines on purpose.
Today is the 3rd anniversary of my 2nd failed marriage.

I do believe I will be going and buying myself something cute on my lunch hour.

I'm also cleaning up a few loose ends. Tomorrow I will officially be DELETING my f-b page. So, if you are here, you're going to hear the meat and potatos of what is going on with me anyway. And who knows, maybe I'll throw a picture in every now and then too.

Still looking for a place to live. Not fun at all.

So, my dear readers, I hope you are rocking it out today as well.

Oh, and stress = lack of appetite.
At this rate I am going to have to buy new clothes. LOL

On the Edge

I feel like I'm on the edge of an anxiety attack.
I want all of this done and over.
Yet, the process is not doing well for my stomach.
I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. Like one wrong move and I'm going to tumble over the edge. I know it is because I'm trying to get all the paperwork done and find a place to live.
I need to find somewhere to do yoga again. I need to center myself.

AND I really need to find a place to live. :/

So This is Life

Wow. I can't believe the difference in the way I feel lately.
I seriously feel as though I have emerged from a cloud of depression.

The lack of stress is amazing. I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time.
Even though I'm responsible for melting others stress away, I held on to so much.

I'm loving myself more and more. I don't eat all day long and I feel as though I'm losing weight. It varies from day to (that feeling), but I feel good again.

I'm not trying to blame all of my problems on anyone. A lot was self-inflicted.
I'm looking forward to what God has in store for me. My check was cashed for the Women's Day of Renewal event I'm going to. I'm looking forward to that.
I've been reading Luke this week as well. (I try to read one chapter of the bible every night on the ol' iPad. I look at all the books, pick one, then pick a random chapter)
So things are good. I'm trying to get some stuff taken care of and I need to start moving stuff.

Guilty

I've been feeling slightly guilty this week.
I feel absolutely GREAT. I feel so relaxed.
I'm taking care of myself.
I'm not shoving food in my face every 5 minutes.
I'm smiling, laughing, joking, being productive.

My office has been busy this week.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do for others. I love helping others feel good!
Heck, I love meeting new people again!

But every now and then a little voice tells me I shouldn't be happy right now.
I should be sad and mopey and depressed.

But I'm not. And that makes me feel guilty.


Can I just say how much I'm enjoying blogging without reservation? I am truely posting what is in my mind and heart and loving every second of it!

Sleep

Normally you see posts concerning sleep from new moms.
Even when your babies grow and are seven years old, they still disrupt your sleep...especially when they are bed hogs and you are sharing a full size bed with them.
Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping the best. I get a good night every now and then. But I could use a nap today.

Other things messing with my sleep schedule:
Addiction to Words with Friends and Word fued
Noise from other occupants
Being cold
This week is busy at my office. So I'm not getting home until 8/8:30 and then having to wind down.
Of course by 8:30, it is too late for dinner...So I've been skipping that or eating a cookie for dinner.
No one said it HAD to be healthy!!

I'm doing really well right now. I'm surrounding myself with positive people and things. Today I feel great. I'm enjoying spending time taking care of myself, (I even put lotion on this morning!) and spending time with great friends.
I'm still figuring things out, but things are going alright.
I'm looking forward to spending a weekend with my dear friend and warmer weather.
I'm also thinking of doing a road trip/vacation this summer with my baby depending on gas prices. :D

It's been decided

I'm officially on the path to me.
It wasn't an easy decision, but it did end up being more of a mutual decision.
I'm ok with it.
Yes, I'm planning a pity party, but I'm alright.
*The pity party is more because I'm 27 and will be 2x's divorced.

But I'm using this time to work on me. And right now, that works.
I still have to come up with a WORKING budget, figure out where we are going to live, and all that those tasks entail, but I can do it.

I'm lucky and have parents who love me and are allowing me to stay with them.
*Unfortunately, I work the opposite shift of those who also work in the house that I'm staying, but it is only for the short time.

My Own Worst Enemy

So many times things are going swimmingly, and then they all get messed up. It always surprises me how one action, no matter how big or small, can have such an impact on everything else.
It goes to show have everything is important.
I give myself a lot of added stress and worries. I'm trying to make an effort to change that. To live a little more day by day, and to stop worrying about what's next.

I really have no clue what path I'm on or where the nearest exit is.
It's hard to think about what is going to bring the maximum happiness in the long run.
I know what is the easiest choice, especially in the short term. But what about long term?
What do I really need and want in order to achieve maximum happiness potential?

What does a relationship need to survive?
The easy answer for me is love and commitment.
But is it enough?
What about faith, trust, and common interests?

It is a lot to think about and there is no clear answer and the answer is not the same for everyone.

For the First Time

I'm actually signing up to go do things that interest me.
I've sent in my registration form for a Women's Day of Renewal at a local church.
One of the workshops completely summed up how I feel in social situations.
I feel like the odd woman out a lot. I get very self conscious and think people won't like me, that they are talking about me, or I just don't measure up.
This is something I want to change. I know I am a very likeable person and that I have a lot to offer in terms of a friendship.
So I really hope I can get in on that one. Other workshops include feeling overwhelmed, how to use your head, how to talk to pre-teens/teens, etc.
I'm really excited about this weekend workshop.
I'm also going to sign up for a small group study on Lutheranism 101 at my church.

All of these things are things that I thought sounded interesting, but never had the cajones or didn't make a priority.
I'm very excited to finally be doing these things.

Time for Me

This is a time for me, a place for me.
I've long neglected myself.
I decided enough was enough.
That I NEED for me to be first in my life.
That happiness can not come from making others happy, by taking care of others.

So it is time to take care of myself, live for myself, make myself happy.