It's A....

Girl for us! We are excited to know the sapling is a girl (with 99.9% confidence from the tech).
The older girl is over the moon excited to have a baby sister on the way and has already told me she will be spoiling her rotten.

TJ has begun construction of the man cave.


There are still a number of big changes on the horizon, but I'm trying my best to go with the flow and just let everything happen as it may.

19 weeks

Wow. Almost to the halfway point already. I had the anatomy scan of our little sapling yesterday. The doctor said everything looks perfect.
It is odd to be having such an easy pregnancy after all the pain and suffering involved in the IVF process I went through a few years ago.
That time has impacted my thoughts on this pregnancy. I don't take (well I try not to) for granted the ease involved in this pregnancy. The beginning was filled with thoughts of everything that could go wrong. That has tapered off for the most part, especially after seeing the cute sapling yesterday.

Thursday is when I (we) finally get to open the sex reveal envelope. With my significant other being in training, he wasn't able to attend. I thought it was a moment we should share, and I do hope he gets to go to some of my future appointments.

Life is crazy and hectic. I don't know how others keep up with a full time job, pregnancy, home, and another child (or children). I'm beat trying to keep everything floating. It stresses me out, but I know it is only for awhile longer.

And if the above wasn't enough, my daughter's hormone levels are EVERYWHERE. She is yelling at me one moment and apologizing for yelling two minutes later. It is a miracle my mom didn't kill us all while we were in this phase. sigh.

17 weeks

Wow, this is moving quickly and I'm realizing I'm a horrible blogger/recorder of my life.
In general, things are going well. My doctor keeps telling me I'm perfect (boost to the ol' ego). I'm tired and emotional. TJ thinks my crazy emotions and other pregnancy induced moments of crazy are "cute". I think he needs to stop laughing at me. LOL
I feel like I'm huge, but other people are saying you can barely tell I'm pregnant.

We get to find out the sex of the baby the week before Thanksgiving. We are excited. I'm hoping for a boy (as is TJ and everyone else), but TJ thinks it is going to be a girl.

Otherwise, Kaitlin is excited about being a big sister.
 
I bought the first thing for baby (a book called "Kiss Kiss" which was purchased purely for the baby hippo). We also received the first gift for baby (a very generous gift card).

5 weeks pregnant

Holy moly. We are expecting another child. I'm happy and scared shitless. Going through infertility treatments so many years ago, I wished for this day.  Now that it is here, I have trouble believing it is true, that it is going to stick, that I'm really going to be a mom to more than one blessing from God.

The biggest question we have been getting is  "Was it planned?" and other variations that mean the same thing.  Yes, it was.  Did I expect it to happen so quickly, no.

So, because this is going to turn into a tracking of this pregnancy, please feel free to unfollow. I know how hard it can be to share in the happiness of others when you just wish it was you.  That it hurts to read all the reminders of what hasn't happened for you yet.  Please know I am praying for you. As cliche as it sounds, God has a plan for all of us and many things now may not make sense, but perhaps later down the road it will.


So here is to this blessing from God!

Random Things:
Morning sickness- no (Alleluia!) though I do get queasy from time to time.
Physical- My boobs feel huge.
Mental- disbelief, happiness, worry, sadness

First doctor appt isn't until mid-September (WTF?!)
The girl: happy and worried. Trying to make sure I reinforce that I am always going to love her bunches, I will never love her any less than I do now.

Wanting what is bad for you

I think everyone has those moments where you want something that you know is bad for you.
Take the fast food dinner: nutritional value of null, but it is fast...and easy...and edible.


I feel this way about a specific relationship. I keep wanting it, knowing it is bad for me...but it is fast, and easy, and there. No unknowns at all involved. I know what to expect and what not to.

Then there are other things that I think I want, I just don't know if I want them for the right reasons or if, like a new restaurant, I want them because they differ from what I have had before.

All of this leads to mass confusion and at time hysteria. And it is exhausting going through all the scenarios involved in different decisions.

I'm really ready for my life to be settled. I hate all of the upheaval of this transition period. I want to start working on my forever future and contentment.

Permission of imperfection

Perfectionism is one of my weakest areas. I'm constantly berating myself for not doing something right, for having imperfections. Constantly thinking people are seeing these imperfections and talking behind their hands to others about these imperfections. I make the imperfections worse in my mind and define myself about these imperfections of mine. It is all very tiring and pretty much my own imagination working against me. So, one of the things I'm going to do is give myself permission to be imperfect, to love me for who I am right now...even though that is a broken and empty shell of a person. I am working on the broken and empty parts. And I know in deepest parts of myself, that people like me just as I am. There is a lot more I want to post on this topic, but I'm not there yet. I know only a few people still read this, but that involves exposing a very big imperfection in me....and I'm not that strong and free from perfectionism yet.

So very tiring

Through the course of the last few days (well longer than that because I have this revelation all the time) I have realized how very tiring it is to give and give to others. I try so hard to make others happy and to help them through their weak moments, yet I don't do the same for me. When I'm having bad moments, I try to hide them from others or my stubborn pride prevents me from accepting help. It is a horrible cycle I put myself through. It is time to break this cycle. It is time for me ( which was the whole point when I started this blog). I was successful with this for a time, and I remember that time when I was happy. I struggle the most with putting me first when I am in a relationship. This leads me to believe that I am probably horrible at picking partners for myself and that a good part of the is because I look for the broken, the injured, the one who needs me most. And I don't put my needs first, which ultimately leads me to a breaking point. I start feeling like everything is one sided, that it is always me giving up what I want, me bending over backwards, me trying to fix a different broken.....and it normally ends in me and my broken hert. This has to change. I may have to isolate myself for awhile to get my mind reset. To create a hierarchy that satisfies my basic Ned's, and then I can work on those higher order needs. I know it is going to be hard. It is hard to change so many years of thinking. It is I credibly hard for me to be alone, because I crave companionship and making other people happy....but that happiness is pointless if I haven't put equal fervor and effort into making myself happy. I have good days and bad days. I have people who have shown me support in the smallest of ways with the greatest impact. I have people who I love that extremely toxic to my general emotional stability. It is is time to stop being tired, and time to be rejuvenized by the wonder of the world around me. It is time to drown in the kindness of others. Be that kindness shared drinks on a deck, a hand delivered coffee, or a shoulder to cry on. It is time to put me first.

Broken

A lot of the time I find myself feeling broken. It sucks. I really want to find that forever kind of love where I know that person wants me and only me. The person I can't wait to come home to. But I feel like may e there is something about me that prevents me from finding this. I also really want to have another child, but at the same time (being single and all) I don't know if that is ever going to happen. Yes, I'm aware I'm young and have plen of time, but I don't want to wait until Kaitlin is in high school to start back at square one. sigh.

Changes

My current relationship status is that of being single. After considering all of my options, I decided that working on being friends is the best option. (And after being told the decision was up to me) Was it easy? No. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I feel at peace with the decision? Yes. It isn't that I don't care, but instead I care about my own happiness more. So I'm focusing on me again (or trying to) and finding that lasting relationship that is centered on friendship, trust, and beliefs. I'm looking for that someone who supports me as much as I support them. Someone who wants marriage and children. Will I go back to the one I was with? At this point, my answer is no. The issue we have is a recurring one and I can't continue to allow myself into that toxic situation anymore. I'm not sure he has realized I was serious when I said "let's just be friends." So, if any of my very few readers have suggestions, I am all ears on tips on how to return to the dating pool. (shudder)

Insanity

The recent events in my life are starting to culminate into the Albert Einstein quote on insanity. If I can't be honest with myself here, where can I? My current relationship is following the path it normally does, which always ends up with me feeling insignificant. Part of me realizes the other does not do this intentionally, but is it a feeling I should live with? Do I continue to repeat myself to try and get this person to realize my needs? Further, if I bring the bible parable in about a foundation built on rock, it adds a new level. Even way back when, our relationship has been built more on the physical side of things. As I get older, I realize I need more than that. Any lasting relationship (in y opinion) is built like a partnership. Both parties work towards the betterment of the pair. Yes, you can have separate interests, but both should encourage the other to be their best. To push them towards their goals and dreams. To support them when times are rough. And I really feel this area is lacking. My job can be stressful at times, and during those times I need someone to push me through the stress, not wish I had a different job or boss. That doesn't push me to be a better person, that pushes me to seek a different option than to succeed with where am. I don't know what is going to happen. I just know I want to feel loved, cherished, and an equal partner.

Maybe I'm not

Maybe I'm not relationship material. Maybe my past has completely ruined the chance of finding lifelong companionship for me. I can't let go and trust wholeheartedly, I am normally waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'm too much like my dad, too much like my mom. Maybe, God isn't done with me yet and has a grand plan for me to find the happiness I seek. Maybe I need to focus on my relationship with God and make him my lifelong companion. He has already made the ultimate sacrifice for me, an undeserving sinner. It can't really get better than that, can it?

Co-Existing

*DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE JUST MY OWN PERSONAL VIEWS. I believe in freedom of speech, hate will not be tolerated.* Two arguments I see frequently are Evolution vs Creationism and the definition of marriage. Though I am a Christian, and I believe that God created the world and everything in it, I also believe in evolution. I do not try to make these two beliefs exist simultaneously. I believe in both and both exist in my life. The bigger issue currently is what is the definition of marriage. Should marriage be limited to one man and one woman? I don't believe so. I believe marriage is a union of two people who love each other. The sex of those two people is a moot point. And here is where the real struggle occurs. Recently, my pastor at church has been hitting on the topic that marriage is between one man and one woman. I understand and comprehend that teaching. However, I also believe we cannot judge others. If two women or two men want to join in holy matrimony, they should have that right. God placed those two people together for a reason. Further, this is where I believe separation of church and state should play a role. Isn't this country founded on freedom? The freedom to choose a religion, the freedom to bear arms, shouldn't that freedom extend to choose whom we love and marry? How can our government put a label that marriage should just be between a man and a woman? (To further clarify, my argument is marriage between two people.) Just food for thought today. In general, I believe people have the right to be happy as long as their happiness is not by making others unhappy. I don't believe we have a right to label love or judge others.

Garden planning

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of spending $1 for a single red pepper in December. Seriously, it's a pepper. THIS has been the driving force for me to plan a garden for this summer. I have the space, I have a row of asparagus already, time to fill in some more. So far, I've mainly been researching, trying to decide what to grow, and not getting much of anything done. The list so far: Peppers kale (?) Zucchini Squash green beans (?) Potatoes (?)

Because I'm random at best

I really should get better about posting here on a regular basis, not just once a year. What has occurred in the past year: Bought a house Got a yittle puppy. Got another dog. Started working on my degree again. (Community Health Education is what I'm currently working on.) I've decided to stop doing massages (while I'm going to school and working full-time) as I need more time for me and more time for family. Need to work on a social life/getting out with people with similar interests. Otherwise, everything is as normal as it can be. (AKA: it is always crazy and full of ups and downs) Hoping to plant a garden this year and perhaps revive this blog.